by Isobel Richard

In this time of uncertainty and isolation those that are still living with a narcissist or violent person please be careful and keep any emergency numbers close by.  Even if you rather have go and stay with a family member, you might be better off.

I am now four years divorced from my narcissist and can only be extremely grateful that I am not sitting at home in isolation with him even if my kids were in the home with us it would still  have been an absolute nightmare and my heart and prayers goes out to you that are now in this situation.

I read and hear in the news of escalation of domestic violence cases throughout the world after lockdown and isolating at home.

I have thought a lot about my life with the narcissist in retrospect as I never knew who and what he was actually during marriage (just knew it was not normal), I just dealt with the cards I had been dealt on a daily basis to keep sane, never put a label on it and never fathomed the depths of these peoples darkness and absolute need to torture and hurt those closest to them until I broke out of that hell.

I need to clarify for those that do not have an idea and those that are still unsure if they are dealing with a narcissist or not.  As I will always reiterate some are full on narcissists others are somewhere on the spectrum and can only be slightly narcissistic in nature.  The narcissists on the wrong end of the spectrum are the ones to be careful of. They are:-

• The ultimate illusionists and manipulators. They can make people believe almost anything. I have watched this first hand and it is extremely scary.
• They have no conscience and no compassion. Although the scary part is they can fake it very well when others are around or to you when they are gas lighting you.
• The only person they love is themselves, not their parents, children or partners.  These people can persuade you they will walk over hot coals for you but they are not to be trusted. These are the ones that would make use of children and alienate them from the other parent just for the sake of revenge.
• I see many who query their addictive nature and do agree they do have some form of addiction but sometimes it is not the obvious addictions which many of them have like drugs and alcohol it may be things like perfectionism or sex or some other addiction that is not as obvious.
•  ALWAYS right,
• Have control issues
• Need contact with the person that feeds their narcissistic needs which is usually a partner but can be a work colleague , child, parent etc.  They need that person to inflict pain on and torture and order around so they feel better about themselves, they need to always be superior. This is the reason victims are told to go NO Contact. ( in my case with alienated children involved it was not that easy)
• Take care ; they will NEVER change.

How my ex- husband found ways to torture me and feed his narcissistic need:

• While living with me during divorce proceedings; he alienated my children and had them bully and denigrate me as he did – I think he absolutely enjoyed the pain and bewilderment I endured while this was happening and it fed his pleasure to revenge me going ahead with HIS plans to divorce me.
• He was the one that asked for divorvce and ended up telling everyone including my children who believed him that it was me that wanted the divorce and I was the horrible one that did not love him and probably did not love them.
• The lies just escalated and abounded but all part of his scheme to denigrate me even further and actually built up to attack my very sanity.  Told everyone I never made food, the house was a mess etc. etc. I was somehow lesser than, abnormal, something was worng with me.Somehow also all part of his alienation of my children. Now four years later I can see it for what it was but then it was a terrible attack and I was close to a nervous breakdown on numerous occasion.  If I had not been so snowballed with his attacks I would have been able to think rationally but you need to live through something like this to know how devastating it is, it is psychological warfare at its best.
• He had my eldest child take me to court for domestic violence and maintenance once she was 18, which he had her drop after he realized his precious trust fund money was going to be subpoenaed.
• He also took me to court for not paying maintenance for expenses he lied about that was not part of the maintenance agreement, somehow this went through court and I had a Sheriff of the court come to my house and write up all my assets in my home for payment of these “maintenance expenses”  I was running around like someone in a movie getting depositions and dropping them off at court for a request to drop the case due to his lies so that my assets could not be foreclosed on. In the end he settled out of court as I had to get a lawyer to protect myself, financially ruining me anyway and he actually employed an advocate in the end who told him to drop it, as I think they realized I had a case to get a lot of money for damages due to the false claims he had made.
• In the end he persuaded my children all the above cases were my doing and I started them, they still tell me its my fault there is no money and poor dad.
• Dad has a trust fund for himself and the children with thousands in it, but he tells the kids its not their or his money and he tells them he has no money for food sometimes. And they believe him even though they are both over 18 now.

I have come to realize narcissists are born with no compassion, feelings just a selfish desire to control the world around them, we can debate whether this stems from some sense of inadequacy or  just because they actually feel they are superior to others (could be either), but what I have also realized is they are chameleons, they try to inveigle themselves into caring compassionate peoples lives by adopting their likes and dislikes as their own and then slowly pushing their own selfish wants and needs onto you.  I was married to my ex-husband for 22 years before we got divorced and after 4 years it is still difficult for me to determine sometimes what are things that are my own likes and dislikes and what I was brainwashed into believing.

Thinking back he seemed to have all the same interests as I did but now I realize that it was all a lie that he wanted me to think he liked all the same things I did. So you do not ever know the real person only the person they want you to see. 

So for those stuck with these individuals out there at this time, if it becomes bad have an escape option ready please.  If you are able to stick it out, be careful, be safe and look after yourself.