I will draw on my own narrative in this case but please remember that narcissists are chameleons and adapt and playact so they are all different in certain scenario’s. You get abrasive and extrovert, charming narcissists who the world loves but in your marriage you fear.
My own story is about a covert, socially challenged narcissist but their needs are all the same, they need to feed off your emotions and they do this by breaking you down. This is why many others have coined the phrase “emotional vampires” because this is literally what they do, they feel the need to cause pain and havoc in the lives of the people they are meant to love and cherish.
I was married to a narcissist for 22 years, I knew we did not have the perfect marriage, could never put a label on the problem, at the time if I googled “verbal abuse” and negative comments I was receiving daily from my husband, he never fit the profile. It was said verbal abusers were alcoholics or drug addicts? So I would resort to thinking that I was the problem and of course this fell into his plan perfectly, as that is what he wanted me to think. I had a problem, there was something wrong with me. Only on getting a divorce 22 years later I saw emotional abuse and narcissism linked and suddenly it all made sense.
Believe me putting a label on our problems dealing with a narcissist does not give us any solutions, just as someone telling you, you have cancer with no hope of a cure. You know what the problem is but unfortunately there is no cure! Narcissist believe they are perfect, they do NOT see a problem in their lives, you are the problem as they love to tell you, but they need you in their lives to feel good about themselves.
The only solution to your future happiness is to break ALL contact and its easy to say but not to do as many of you out there know. If any of you have a boyfriend or husband and you do not share kids then get out NOW. For those of us that have children the problem is compounded as narcissists use and manipulate everyone around you and they are VERY good at it.
I do not know how I thought it was normal to be locked up in the spare bedroom when my kids were visiting grandma and we fought and I went to sleep in the spare bedroom to get away from him. I had to beg him to let me out, so I could go to work! Then when he saw me again it was as if nothing happened and he would act normally! I would feel as if I imagined everything and that there was really something wrong with me.
He was the one that finally asked for divorce to my surprise and the feeling of absolute relief that filled me for a few seconds was another surprise, but thereafter the dread because I knew it would not be that easy, and it wasn’t.
Since he asked for divorce and I actually told him that we should see a marriage counselor first and try and save our marriage. Yes I know I am an idiot but I was thinking about my children. After his refusal and me realizing I needed to get on with my life, he realized I was breaking free from his hold on me, he turned to my children as his next victims to get to me and started poisoning them against me. So suddenly mommy is the reason for the divorce, mommy does not love daddy. He started twisting everything around and before I even realised what was happening it was not a divorce between me and my narcissistic husband but one between me and my husband and my children.
When they reject you , they need you to feel absolute pain and what better way than to target your children. Any mother knows that that is the ultimate weapon. I survived, just barely, and my one child still barely speaks to me. I live in hope that one day she will realise that I did nothing to her, that a divorce is not meant to include the children. They are meant to love both their parents and should not choose and should not be so poisoned and brainwashed that they lose sight of the love their parent has for them.
Once again, please comment or send me your story so I can post your stories. We need the word to get out, we the victims of narcissism need to speak out, the silence just helps them get away with it.
I will post some links below to articles about narcissists.
Isobel
Living with a narcissist summary -also book you might be interest in.
Covert narcissists that don’t fit the normal narcissistic profile