By Isobel E. Richard

A divorce is listed as one of the top stressors in any persons life. So it goes without saying that getting a divorce is not just a walk in the park.

You have to understand getting a divorce is like having someone close to you die. It might not be a person but it is, and was an entity whose life has now ended. So there is a large component of a grieving process taking place. It does depend on how long you were married, but remember you have put your life into this entity and invested a lot of time and effort into it.

So going through a divorce is a process with a lot of intense feelings. Having these feelings is a normal part of the process.  It is normal to have feelings such as: – sadness, anger, confusion and grief.

You need to know that:

• You need time to work through and process all these feelings and emotions.
• Get support – speak to friends, family, divorce coach or get online support.
• Divorces can become draining if it becomes high conflict and can cause financial difficulties, getting support mentioned above helps you work through all these issues as well.
• Take care of yourself, physically and mentally
• Don’t have discussions with your spouse that turn into fights. Walk away and come back later.
• Be willing to adapt as you have to realize that your life will change and become different.

The five stages of divorce (some similarity to death) is:

1. Denial , you need time to process the trauma and end of a relationship.
2. Negative emotions process; this is normal: – you will need to acknowledge and work through emotions of anger, fear, worry, guilt and depression.  You need to heal and let go. Here it is very helpful to have support and talk through these emotions.
3. Acceptance of the situation and move on.
4. Self-worth – final healing, acceptance and loving yourself.

There are other complicating factors that kick in if there is a high conflict divorce but the basics as listed above need to be understood.  The important factor is you need to find support where you can.

Isobel

For high conflict divorce the following book is recommended:

Splitting: Protecting yourself while dealing with someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kruger.