by Isobel E. Richard

If by now you don’t know what a narcissist is the internet is rife with different symptoms and definitions and you can read one of my previous posts which cover some of this here.

But how does it affect the children of a narcissistic parent. If you take into account some of the main characteristics of a narcissist, their need for attention, their important self-image then you wil understand that they see their children as an extension of themselves and therefore if the child excels then the child is favoured as the narcissistic parent sees that child as an extension of themselves.   The narcissistic parent however will still employ their arsenal of blame, criticism and put downs toward their children with constant guilt and emotional blackmail.

As we know narcissistic parents are well known to alienate their children from the other parent as well.

The affects. It has been well documented that most children of narcissistic parents have some form of depression.  These children later on also either develop narcissistic tendencies or become perfect co-dependents who are fodder for other narcissists supply.

On a personal level I can tell you without a doubt that due to my ex husbands treatment of his children both of them suffer from depression. They also both show signs of narcissistic tendencies. As I watch this from the side-line’s, I cannot change this even if I wanted to, it is a vicious cycle of  his manipulation tactics. And somehow if things go wrong in their lives he chooses to shift the blame and ensures they believe it is their mother and not their father. (please take note this can happen to fathers as well)

I have numerous examples of how this happens in real life. My estranged eldest daughter who has not lived with me for 3 years chose this year to rant and rave at me when she chose to fight with me about something as inconsequential as a cat that has been at my house since it was a kitten (who she had not seen for 6 months) did not recognize her! The fight was escalated as I watched in silent horror as this drama enfolded around me without me having done a thing! She called dad from his vehicle outside and of course the “rational” parent that he is, jumped out and joined her in my house to check on what I could possibly have done to have scared or intimidated or mistreated this cat that it no longer wanted to come to her, despite the fact that it came running when I called it. Yes in a NORMAL WORLD we would all think that this was the most bizzare thing to fight about, but when dealing with a narcissistic parent you live in an Alice in Wonderland topsy-turvy world . She then proceeded to tell me that she was depressed and did I know that and did I care.

That statement from her means that she acknowledges she is depressed but shifts the blame to me who has barely had any contact with her for 3 years – expect for the odd good night whatsapp which I instigate and she responds to with a good night when she feels like it and despite the fact that I have been begging to see her more and she refuses to answer call from me. And how does she expect me to know how she feels if I am not part of her life and not having any conversations expect for a three letter whatsapp!!! In this world the the  co-parent of a narcissist is in a;- damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation.

So here we go;- the latest example. My younger daughter agreed to accompany someone to their prom. She is wearing a dress I made. She is happy with the dress I made. In the meantime I am making her a dress for her own prom in a month’s time. It is very similar in design to the other dress with very minor changes.  So she fits the dress and is ecstatic, absolutely loves it, and I tell her we can finalise fitting and fixing all the minor things when she is back with me the next week (50/50 custody)   We had taken photos of her in the unfinished dress (top and bottom is tacked together)

Suddenly a day later I get a call from her to tell me she is unsure about the dress, it is not fitting right! I tell her to stop stressing and she is writing exams and should concentrate on that and think the subject is closed but I wondered what had brought it on, very sure that dad had seen the photos and said something negative.

So all of a sudden the evening before the current prom, she AND dad arrive at my front door and she tells me she is stressed and she is going to fit the dress and dad is also coming in to see the dress. I try as much as possible to have NO Contact and professionals have agreed with me this keeps things calm and is best for the children. But for a narcissist looking for his next supply and having had me as that supply for so long during marriage he uses every opportunity to get his next fix by upsetting me and also entering into my domain.

So this scenario ensues, she fits the dress and daddy dearest who has never had an opinion on fashion or dresses suddenly becomes the biggest fashion and design expert in the world and starts touching the seams and criticizing every possible thing he can think of  while she is in the dress. (take note this is almost the exact same dress that she is wearing the following evening). I ask her if she is happy with that dress and she affirms that she is.

So in one fell swoop this man has managed to upset me and he knows he has even if I don’t show him that and worst of all he has tainted the image of this specific dress in her mind due to his criticism and negative comments.

How do children survive in this environment where they are estranged and erased from a loving parents life and in the other scenario where they are put down and criticized or drama’s are allowed to ensue for the smallest things. These children cannot learn what normal behavior is or should be.

We as the co-parents, I agree can only walk the higher moral ground but it does not alleviate the problem for our children and they have been taught not to listen to us and therefore we cannot even help them cope properly in these situations.

From one parent to another , I understand the parents out there who are trying to cope in trying circumstances to co-parent or parallel parent with these personality disordered parents and for those who have estranged children I also understand as only someone who has gone through the same situation can. Just be strong there are many of us out there and we must stand together and HOPE and have FAITH that our children come back to us so the healing process can begin.

Isobel